Monthly Archives: December 2015

Money Dance

In this current climate

You’re like a fine painting on a wall, I never touch you, yet I gaze at you longingly

And get lost in the translation of you

 

Even though I don’t own you , I own in my head how I interpret you.

 

 

Even though I can’t afford you, I have already mapped out where I would put you in my house.

 

 

Even though you’re a masterpiece, I can still see how I could improve you

and the list goes on

 

But after the museum is closed I still sit in the car park and make space in my boot, always wondering about how I know what life is like without you, but imagine a life where you are there in my boot…

IMG_4295

 

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‘Sorry’

I welcome the pain I am accustom to; for the closeness that comes from it bring me to you.Laughter is merely a memory that resides in the past. Laughter is a chore I despise.

I want to express my deepest gratitude to you. Too much has been lost and too much has been said. My friend, listen carefully. Where there is a beginning, there is an end.

But do not ever turn away from the obligation that will always reside. Broken souls heal one another, I needed you to need me so I could use you. Shame on me, you are the victim.

I may have misunderstood the differences deep within our needs. The balance was never right, nevertheless we celebrated our eventual demise together, but alone.

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Happy holidays

Being able to change yourself and adapt yourself to other people has become a rare characteristic I find in a very few people.

I have to change and adapt myself around others timing, preference, ideas, feelings and agendas. So then, I decide how I change and for who I change.

I change and adapt myself around my parents firstly, simply because they are my parents, and that’s all I have to say about that.

Secondly, I shape my sleeping pattern and clear my weekdays for work, I do this because it provides me with my income.

I conform to these entities in my life because they give me back as much as I put in. Now if parents and work came to clash with one another I would analyse and pick one over the other, that other always being my parents. Hence, I chose my work based on the requirements of my parents.

The point I’m trying to make is that I have to change myself according to how they work. I drive where the road takes me, not where I want to take the car. Of course that does not mean that relationships work in the way the other wants it to, I should have a say. But their needs to be a balance. Priority and loyalty.

Things get complicated when a lover or a friendship takes the spotlight here, i prefer not to mention that topic in this post… I still yet have a lot to learn.

‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get’

 

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Closure

Happy New Year

Why do people hold this particular day so high? The day doesn’t signify anything its only a culmination of the years tasks and events, if you overachieved then tomorrow is another day. If you did less then fair enough, you have tomorrow to do it.

But we are not people of situations or events, we are different. Each day provides us with an opportunity, enjoy the day, life will only get harder and rougher so take that time to get off the battle field and strategically plan the day after tomorrow.

The reason as to why I dedicated many of my posts to the subject of perspective was not to express meaning, truth, truthfulness, forgiveness, past, present and the future in a manner I tolerated. However it was to understand, learn and enjoy life and all its battles. Nevermore in regard to one person, experience or idea. It was to learn from experiences and understand emotions through a range of contexts.

I pray it was as easy as that. I do not intend to uncover a definite solution on which perspective/attitude/outlook/approach to adopt in events and situations, I simply yearn to understand. Because truth is, it’s all too deep.

I

Problem of how to determine the definite perspective:

‘That the insect or bird perceives an entirely different world from the one humans do, and that the question of as to which of these perceptions of the world is more correct is quite meaningless.’

(Twilight of the Idols, 86)

II

Truthfulness, suspicion and truth

‘Two ideas are very prominent in modern thought and culture. On the one hand, there is an intense commitment to truthfulness – or, at any rate, a pervasive suspiciousness, a readiness against being fooled, an eagerness to see through appearances to the real structures and motives that lie behind them.  [. . .] Together with this demand for truthfulness, however, or (to put it less positively) this reflex against deceptiveness, there is an equally pervasive suspicion about truth itself: whether there is such a thing; if there is, whether it can be more than relative or subjective or something of that kind, altogether, whether we should bother about it, in carrying on our activities or giving an account of them.’

III

‘These two things, the devotion to truthfulness and the suspicion directed to the idea of truth, are connected to one another. The desire for truthfulness drives a process of criticism which weakness the assurance that there is any secure or unqualifiedly stateable truth.’

(Williams 2002 [Truth and truthfulness]

 

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14/12/2015

‘Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.’

In searching for how she thinks and feels I found how I think and feel….

You have taught me in our time of happiness more than anyone , more than even I taught myself
You taught me to be happy, you showed me more than what I had, you also showed me not to settle, you allowed me to express myself and to be open
And I fell into a sense of security that I didn’t know existed and I was ready to give it all up because I believed
And then you went cold, for whatever reason, you went harsh
Your replies became shorter and further apart, the effort waned to the point where talking was for the sake of it not for the enjoyment
This led to my unhappiness, it affected me more than even I thought it would, I sulked and moped around for weeks until I found out what happiness really was and I reconnected with myself and was able to find what I was looking for all along. Now that’s so wierd the fact that   You made me happy to such extents when I was around you, but your disappearance,  although it affected me, led me to positivity
Now I don’t know if happiness is more weighty that positivity, I am yet to find out.
So then the next phase was understanding, I begun to understand all the things and people I have wronged, on countless occasions I disappeared and left people, I also did it to you, so I begun to think back and realise all the bad I had done and how it must have affected others so for that I apologise.
I am sorry, and also sorry for the fact that we have come to this juncture, whatever I have done to you does not warrant your actions, I prefer to be told to fuck off rather than given half a handshake
So letting me know where you stand is a good thing

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A quick one

Experience comes uninvited, leaves entertained and that’s why I love it.

I have learnt that my needs and happiness does not lie in the hands of others. Many of times I have created and designed friendships in the hope that they become capable of demonstrating the unimaginable. That was my weakness. I have focused too much on relationships to not have acknowledged what I thought I needed I already had.

Love, happiness, sadness, anger, regret and forgiveness.

Unfortunately they incorporate several definitions, each for their own. It does not threaten me.

‘Passion is degraded, as if it were only in unseemly cases, and not necessarily and always, the motive of force; in as much as it has for its objects something of no great value, amusement.The misunderstanding of passion and reason, as if the latter were an independent entity and not rather a system of relations between various passions and desires; as if every passion did not possess its quantum of reason’. 

 

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December

If you handed me the English dictionary and requested me to pick out a word that best describes one thing that I hate, that word would be ‘change’.

Change is all things not nice, well the cycle of change always beings in such a manner. But then once that change becomes a norm, whether it be something we grow to admire or despise… change is inevitable.

Our reaction towards change is what to an extent shapes that change into something very beautiful, or the complete opposite.

Experiences of change makes us stronger, that’s what parents teach us, and that is the way we come to dominate change.

After she absorbed all my pain and I understood hers, we said ‘lets be positive’to one another before we hung up the phone.

 

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